it's been a tough day

Confession time, kids: I went off of vitamin Z.
Cold turkey, unsupervised.
Sometimes I do that for a day or two between refills and it usually isn't a big deal. The main side effect I suffer from are surges, which I've learned to get used to. But this time I was off for two days...three days, four, five...and both Josh and I noticed lots of little differences. I was laughing and smiling spontaneously and we both were surprised by it. There are lots of other little things that were a big deal so I decided to make a go of it and never refilled my prescription.

My friends, that lasted about three weeks. With the yin comes the yang and I hit a low this morning that I hadn't felt in years. As if being depressed and anxious about what I would usually consider normal things spiraled out of control and I couldn't make my brain stop cycling from isolating a thought, carrying it from what if it worst case scenario in about 10 minutes. Each negative thought or item of stress took this same cycle until I thought I was going to throw up. I always bump the wackiness factor up a notch or two at this time of the month courtesy of PMS but I usually can control my thoughts enough to know what I'm freaking out about and what is a valid concern. There was none of that these past two or three weeks. Normal situations would cause me to freeze like a deer in the headlights because I couldn't think rationally of what to do next.

Like I said, I hit new lows today so I sucked up my pride and filled my prescription and added a dash of Xanax (my last 1/2 emergency pill) and feel like I'm on my way to feeling better. Of course, this means that I will stop crying at dead hummingbirds and human fetuses in museums, songs and commercials. Screw laughter and libido, plain old sanity is what I need.

Thanks for bearing with me.