Monday, May 22, 2006

my baby

I miss my baby girl. Claire's growing up has affected me so much more than when Kaylie was growing up, probably because I had less time to notice all the "lasts". Last day of preschool, last day home with mom, last summer before starting her school career, last day with a full set of baby teeth.

Claire had the same advantages as Kaylie did. Both of them slept with one parent or the other until they were about four years old. Kaylie started kindergarten at age 4 and the transition to her own room and bed was sudden and pretty efficient. Again, there seemed to be so much else going on back then and I just didn't notice it as much.

Claire has been in her own bed in her own room for several months now. And it hurts. I miss her. I don't necessarily miss her flinging her legs over my back or hanging on to my nipple for dear life. I miss seeing her first smile when she wakes up in the morning. I miss napping with her and smelling the sunshine in her hair. I miss her soft fingers stroking my arm or ear or hair or neck. She starts school this fall. She's so ready. She's going to love her days full of learning and reading and playing with friends. She's going to love her teacher, whose daily wisdom will mean more than mine. She's going to lose baby teeth and permanent, adult teeth will take their place. My mei-mei.

There will be no more babies for us. With all that is going on in our lives, there just isn't room or time or money or any spare emotion to fit another person into our family. The dog is enough effort. There are plenty of babies around for us to hold and smell and cuddle and play with. We won't be lacking for babies. But I will miss mine.

My babies. Yes, I'm hormonal right now, but tonight the thought of all that has passed during their growing up just hurts.
But I wouldn't have it any other way.

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