Monday, March 21, 2005

the monster is creeping back in

I've been off my vitamin Z for 2 days. Not enough cash to pick it up. No insurance - we pay out of pocket.
A small price to pay for one's sanity, right?

The difference I feel without the extra serotonin is incredible. I already feel like giving up.
Nothing is right. Everything is bad. There is nothing to look forward to.
I suck. My house sucks, probably because of me. ZERO appetite whatsoever.
I can't do anything right and there is no hope. Is this any way to live life? Of course not.
Especially when you've seen the other side - the BRIGHT side. It's there. I know it's there.
But to someone who suffers from chronic depression, The Bright Side isn't easy to get to. It's like a dream where you can partially see something but can't seem to open your eyes enough to get a clear view. Or you can't round the corner...the sidewalk keeps getting longer
and longer as you walk down it.
It's terrible.
And the meds don't magically clear up all that is wrong. They help me realize that there is more... making the decision to be proactive is easier. Just DOING is easier. Staying awake, minding the kids, being productive. I can't just make myself be happy. I've never been able to.
It's like my mind is full of poison that seeps through my thoughts, tainting them with bitterness and disappointment.

Not even sleep brings relief.
In my dreams I'm constantly chasing something. There are escalators, staircases, freeways, on/offramps, elevators (always freight or construction elevators, even in a
nice building), airports, parking garages...I'm always navigating my way through a combined maze of these things. ALWAYS by myself. I wake up drenched in sweat every night. Soaked to the bone. I don't even sweat that much when I exercise. Sometimes I think that someone has poured paint or blood all over me.

Welcome to my life.

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