breath...blessed breath!

It's over. I didn't have an acute asthma attack tonight. I'm not hunched over pillows battling for air. I'm not coughing every time I try to lay down. I can lay down and actually relax! Ahhh, the little luxuries life has to offer. I'm able to enjoy them again. Breathing. Laying down. Eating. I don't quite have walking and talking at the same time down yet, but I can deal with that. It'll come in time. Just to be able to sit here and breathe in and out...inhale and exhale without feeling like I'm drowning or being choked to death. Beautiful, beautiful breath.

I haven't had a breathing treatment since 9:45PM and I'm able to blow over 400 on my peak flow meter. My target peak flow is 450+ and my danger zone is 250. I've been blowing 300-350 for the past few days. Last night it was 275. That was Bad.

I don't know what it could be...the Allegra? Not overdosing on albuterol? Keeping my kitty outside? Putting the blooming shamrock outside? Hyland's Nerve Tonic? Whatever it is, I'll take it. It's working. I may even go have a snack right now...I have an appetite again!! :)

so tired...

I'm SO TIRED today.

• tired of struggling to breathe
• tired of constantly scrounging for food around this barren house
• tired of coughing
• tired of wheezing
• tired of laundry
• tired of this fungus-infested 20 year old carpet
• tired of hearing the kids bicker
• tired of having no health care
• tired of calling doctors for an appointment this week
• tired of them all telling me no because the doctors are on vacation this week
• tired of having a backyard that is not fenced in and nothing but dirt
• tired of choking
• tired of not sleeping
• tired of praying, to no avail
• tired of hoping beyond hope that things will change

I'm just so, so, so, so, so tired.

asthma beast

I'm currently battling the Asthma Beast. Hooked up to my nebulizer. The funny thing is that if I'm out of the house, I'm fine. I can take deep breaths and feel great. But at home, I'm a mess. A jittery, albuterol-fueled mess. I can't sleep; I'm constantly shaking and sweating. What is it in my home that is such poison for me?

Anyway, all my efforts are going in to breathing these days. Too bad, cause I have lots to say.

clairey

kiki

easter egg hunt

Even though the weather was dreary, a few of us moms still showed up at the park for the preschool easter egg hunt. MY GOD was it cold! But the fun part (okay, for me) was playing with my "new" hand me down Sony CyberShot. It's been over 4 years since I've used anything but a Canon Elph APS, an ancient Casio digital from 1998 or my Canon Ftb from the 70's. So it was fun to just shoot random pics and know that I can print them out and they might even be of good quality! And uploading with Hello is a cinch. Practicing with that, too.

So these pics are from today.

today

shout out

Much love to my bestest friend Gretchen, who lost her grandmother today. I wish, wish, wish I was able to be there in person, but I was with her all day in spirit. Love ya, Gretch!

lost my freakin' mind today

The lack of Vitamin Z finally did me in today. I don't think I've ever made it past 4 or 5 days without it since I started it. The surges and head "trails" (I feel like I can see trails when I move my limbs or head - fun!) knocked me back in to bed as soon as I got up. It was awful. And thus began the downward spiral.

The worst part was losing my temper while trying to take out the trash and injuring myself in the process. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

But my Joshie rescued me. I'm so lucky to be married to someone who is truly my friend. He came through for me today in a big way. I have my vitamin Z again, (thanks Nina) he let me nap, cooked for the kids and just let me be. And best of all, while I was asleep he got THREE calls for jobs! YAY! He's working the Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards tomorrow and Friday and the awards show after party next week. My fingers are crossed that the kids and I can go and get in on the action. I'm so proud of him. Every time there's a slight bit of leeway in the job area I barely have time to get worried (although I do a little bit...that's just me) something always comes through. It's amazing. I will never stop being thankful that he's found his groove. His passion. His Thing. His gig! Love it...love him...love what makes him happy.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

I heart school

Even though it's always such a drag to get up and out of the house on Claire's school days, I'm always glad we did. Today we dyed eggs. But the real lesson we learned was about sharing.

At snack time we celebrated Andrew's birthday with Spiderman cupcakes. It turned out that we were three short - Claire, Sienah and Fabiana. So the moms were all rushing around fixing three extra plates, but there were only two cupcakes. That's when Isabella told me that Jessica (her daughter) wanted to share her cupcake with Claire. !!!! A 3-year old who wants to share a cupcake? Really, I told her, you don't need to go through any trouble. Claire will be just fine. But no, Jessica wanted to do it. So she brought the little half cupcake over to Claire's table on a napkin. Claire was thrilled! She said thank you, but Jess didn't really hear, so I told Claire to say it again and give a big hug. And she did. And they hugged. OMG, it was so cute.

At the end of class, someone was upset because they didn't have any dyed eggs to put in the little bunny "basket" we made. (I forgot which kid it was) So Claire and Sienah each gave that child one of their eggs. And when we first got to class, we shared two of our four hard boiled eggs with Sienah so she'd have eggs to dye.

Don't you just love it? 3 and 4-year olds learning how to share. I love it. LOVE IT.

And I got a call from an old friend this morning. That's always thrilling. :)

the monster is creeping back in

I've been off my vitamin Z for 2 days. Not enough cash to pick it up. No insurance - we pay out of pocket.
$98.
A small price to pay for one's sanity, right?

The difference I feel without the extra serotonin is incredible. I already feel like giving up.
Nothing is right. Everything is bad. There is nothing to look forward to.
I suck. My house sucks, probably because of me. ZERO appetite whatsoever.
I can't do anything right and there is no hope. Is this any way to live life? Of course not.
Especially when you've seen the other side - the BRIGHT side. It's there. I know it's there.
But to someone who suffers from chronic depression, The Bright Side isn't easy to get to. It's like a dream where you can partially see something but can't seem to open your eyes enough to get a clear view. Or you can't round the corner...the sidewalk keeps getting longer
and longer as you walk down it.
It's terrible.
And the meds don't magically clear up all that is wrong. They help me realize that there is more... making the decision to be proactive is easier. Just DOING is easier. Staying awake, minding the kids, being productive. I can't just make myself be happy. I've never been able to.
It's like my mind is full of poison that seeps through my thoughts, tainting them with bitterness and disappointment.

Not even sleep brings relief.
In my dreams I'm constantly chasing something. There are escalators, staircases, freeways, on/offramps, elevators (always freight or construction elevators, even in a
nice building), airports, parking garages...I'm always navigating my way through a combined maze of these things. ALWAYS by myself. I wake up drenched in sweat every night. Soaked to the bone. I don't even sweat that much when I exercise. Sometimes I think that someone has poured paint or blood all over me.

Welcome to my life.

new baby

Welcome to the world, Felix Ruben!
Born Saturday, March 19, 2005
8 pounds, 14 ounces, 21 1/2 inches

I'm so proud of your mommy and daddy, Felix.
And we've got a lifetime of payback for them...heh, heh.
We'll be easy on you though, sweet boy.
I can't wait to meet you and get to know you.

birthday party

Gotta love birthday parties. Seems like we haven't been to one in SO long!
And Josh is home this weekend...I don't have to go alone! This party turned out so much nicer than I'd imagined.
(you know...ever the pessimist...I never think anything will go well)
We liked the people. Tons of little 3 and 4-year old girlies. Lots to play with. Several cute little baby boys for me to swoon over. Great food - pancit, lumpia, BBQ and the infamous taco people. We didn't eat for the rest of the night.

Big news - Claire went to sleep in and slept in her own bed the WHOLE night! Wahoo - way to go Clairey!

another sickie day

Kaylie was sent home from school sick today. Damn these allergies! Cough-cough, cough-cough, cough-cough. The soundtrack of allergy season. I hope that generic Claritin works as well as the name brand. Poor kid...I can't believe she had to call me to come get her. Naps all around today.

I got the approval for Healthy Families in the mail today. I'm so thrilled to be able to take my kids for their check-ups! And their first visits to the dentist and eye doctor! I was sharing my excitement with my mom and she asked, "So, is this like welfare?"
No mom. Not welfare. But soon, I promise. I won't let you down.

a nothing day

Kaylie's home from school again today.
Josh finally has a full day off and slept - a LOT.
Boy, did he need it!
Claire and I slept too. Or does that go without saying?

Good things today:
-new albuterol
-everyone goes back to school tomorrow
-paper dolls
-finished a layout

October 2004

December 2004

picture day disaster

Today was picture day at Claire's preschool. It's "Mommy & Me", so we've been going together since she was about 18 months old. I thought that for sure she'd be ready for pictures at age 4. She's been excited about it for weeks. She showed off her picture day smile. She picked out an outfit and made sure I washed it and ironed it in time. Sounds good, right?

I couldn't have been more wrong.

It was a COMPLETE disaster. One look at the photographer and she burst into tears. Became velcro girl. Cried, cried, cried and cried some more. She wouldn't even take a picture sitting on my lap AND cried through the class picture, in which I was holding her. Unbelievable. Actually, it's not unbelievable...it's so typically Claire.

I'm so angry, frustrated and disappointed. I know there will be more picture taking opportunities and that I shouldn't be angry. So here are some sweet pictures of that nice Clairey girl on better days.

discovery and rediscovery

I love rediscovering old music.
Right now I'm having a UB40 day.
Gawd, remember them?
Breakfast in Bed with Chrissie Hynde.
Homely Girl.
Kingston Town.
They fill me up with good feelings.
Good vibes.
Good karma.


So I didn't realize that seriously everyone in the world has a blog.
I spent most of last night reading the blogs of my favorite artists.
What is it about reading about other people's lives?
It's such a trip to me. We're so nosy.
But on the other hand, I discovered a whole new slew of links.
This may sound silly, but I never knew that there was a whole
community of artists who support each other.
Help each other learn.
The concept of learning about art really struck me last night.
I was never pointed in that direction, ya know?
And that artists would support each other...blows my mind.
If I can figure out how to do links and pictures, I'll definitely share
some of the great stuff I found last night.